SCHIZOPHRENIA
As with any story in life, I guess there will always be a tale to tell, Well, my tale with Schizophrenia started in the year of 1998. In the summer and joy of my life, in the prime season of life, entering adulthood were unexpectedly hit with Schizophrenia.
A certain sure hope for a bright tomorrow was shattered forever, a single moment in pause hung in suspense, a silence, and then the moment that would shatter my life forever as the treating Psychiatrist said:
“You have schizophrenia”.
The rug was pulled from underneath my feet.
This was not part of the plan. But before I continue, introductions need to be made, My name is Jaco Basson, born in Johannesburg South Africa in the year 1979.
I remember it even as yesterday, age five, looking up into the vast and open heavens above, wondering sincerely what this life would hold for me.
It was one of sheer hope and keen anticipation, a sure view for a bright tomorrow, innocent memories, even that of a child, never understanding my entire story.
The white picket fence dream is then that which every child aspires to, the little house, mommy, daddy, you, and even the little doggie wagging its tale with the sun shining ever so bright, all would have seemed perfectly fine as you drew a smile on each one’s face.
But my white picket fence dream has turned into the very phantom that made my hopes and childhood dreams all vanish into thin air, a dazzling shock to all my plans, blurred away as I started my journey of living with Schizophrenia.
I was in denial, I knew something was wrong but could never quite pinpoint the pinata with an anomaly of weird experiences to the onset of Schizophrenia.
I did not know there even existed a mental disease aptly:
“Schizophrenia.”
At first glance, there was some kind of hope for some kind of wonderdrug that would solve this frightfully nightmarish ordeal that would never seem to end.
From dawn to dusk, I became the subject of my very own mind.
I hate to be the first to tell you, but there simply exists no “wonderdrug” on the market for schizophrenia, period.
Wouldn’t it be wonderful, to take your medication each day and all is hunky-dori? Nope, this is not a reality of living with Schizophrenia.
My life became a painful neverending rollercoaster ride between clarity and insanity, booking into one mental rehab after the other.
Surely I have good days and then again I have terrible days wanting out, I have mastered the art of living for the good days.
My story is by no means a magic wand to a steady healthy recovery to a normal life of any kind or sort. There exists simply no quick fix.
At most, the glass would have seemed half full during the first ten years, and as time sojourns, one might start to realize my glass is actually half empty:
“How can you say that Jaco?”.
I guess as with all of us life at most leaves us with a chance. A chance of much joy living with health and then again one of much pain with sickness and confusion.
Like a ship tossed to and fro by the winds, a storm of the mind that just never seems to see the calm of day.
Please understand that I am a born-again water Baptized, Holy Spirit-filled believer and I place my trust solely in Christ, I am in Love “Agape” with God, with my entire Heart, Might and Strength.
It has been 27 years of Hell since the diagnoses of Schizophrenia, maybe there is a reason for all this, all I can tell you is, Schizophrenia is not for the faint of heart.
80% of all Schizophrenics will smoke themselves to death, Almost every newly diagnosed schizophrenic will try to commit suicide, 14% will succeed and 7% will remain to an older age to tell their story, that is now if they can.
2 to 3% of the world’s population has Schizophrenia, and 3 out of every 100 children has the disease, which sums to a total of nearly 200 million people worldwide.
Do I trust the Lord to heal me?
Most certainly, I have spent over 850 days in mental clinics, endured 32 ECTs (Brain Shocks) Lived in a nursing home for 2 years and you don’t want to hear the rest.
It does something to a person you know.
Today I live with my parents, they are elderly and I feel like a burden knowing that I have no means of income other than the R2,200 disability grant I receive from the government each month.
I was employed 27 years ago.
Schizophrenia is the worst diagnosis in the whole of the medical fraternity with no sure cure, the brightest of Psychiatrists and Neurologists don’t know how this anomaly occurs, they are puzzled.
The medical fraternity concerning psychiatry has advanced since the 1930’s but is still in its infancy. There is simply no wonderdrug that can cure Schizophrenia, the medication can only suppress some of the symptoms, etc, yet the medicine alone has a long list of side effects which includes suicidal tendencies.
As I sit here today, I suffer from physiological depression and situational depression with no sure hope for a future, sorry to say, my future in my view seems very bleak at best.
I Love the Lord Jesus with all my Heart and I have laid my entire life down for Him, even til this very day. So many prayers have gone up for me, but I have had a tremendous impact nationally in South Africa and Internationally with my writings.
Shizophrenia has kept me humble with no sense of pride to sneak in. We learn of the Apostle Paul, praying three times unto the Lord, to remove this thorn from his side, a messenger of Satan, jip, Paul also heard voices, quite plainly put, a messenger delivers messages, period.
I hardly ever venture from home, at times I hardly leave my room. I am deeply in love with God, but also seriously sick with the most horrendous condition.
I feel the presence of The Lord on me, and He has never left nor forsaken me, His Grace is sufficient to conquer each day, each day is a terrifying experience.
I take serious medication and it takes its toll on me.
I remember at the age of 5, having no knowledge of the demonic, would do shadow boxing into thin air; it was evident something or someone was after me.
Schizophrenia has taken me on a journey, mostly painful and one of much suffering indeed; I don’t boast, neither do I feel sorry for myself, but surely yes, as human as I am, I need answers to these specific questions pertaining to this condition aptly Schizophrenia.
People could never quite place or get me at all.
Most of the time, I was very isolated; my main reason for schooling was to share Jesus with the other students; for this, I was much despised and rejected, not to mention that I had no friends.
It has been a lonely and hard road for me.
For no real cause or reason at all, since primary school days were unusually victimized; as I said before, for no reason at all, I am still trying to make sense of it.
Could there be some greater purpose to this all? My hoping and reasoning linger in the areas that by the Grace of God, there may still be a plan for my life, but seemingly, lately, I have no anticipation to do any form of ministry.
All I can say is, that trying to differentiate between what’s real and false is extremely confusing. Unfortunately, I have to conclude that schizophrenia is degenerative.
In all things according to the Apostle Paul, we ought to give God thanks… Come to mind, by the measure of Revelation imparted to me, Schizophrenia and my suffering have kept me grounded, with no chance of pride to sneak in.
Many a time, yes, human as I am, just don’t want to live anymore. But when I see the Fruit of my call, it puts me in a place where I can only press onwards.
It has been a long and lonesome road; the closest thing I have to reality is my dad, mom, and Pastor and I am blessed to say that I have made three new friends.
They are the ones keeping me alive, seen with all due respect; I don’t want to live like this anymore. It is so hard discerning my faith since it is unseen; now the problem lies here, commonly with Schizophrenia it has the telltale signs of the unseen yet more delusions.
Where do we draw the line? I mean “What is real?” This has been a most peculiar thought for a long time, even till now.
Schizophrenia tends to isolate one, keeping you away from any kind or form and means of social interaction.
The church is very much aware of my condition, and you need to trust me; I am not obsessed, nor possessed, no demon to drive out here.
Initially, I was diagnosed with “undifferentiated Schizophrenia” I thought…wow, ok, this is the small one, the one not contained in the textbook.
Seventeen years later, I was informed that this is the worst kind to have, to a serious degree.
The Psychiatrists now inform me that this condition involves MULTIPLE mental problems which in my scenario include a series of issues such as: “Bipolar, major depression, paranoia, mood disorder, and so on…
This is concluded via a series of tests by the medical fraternity concerning psychiatry, with medical treatments over 15 years by these doctors and South Africa’s top Professor, that my IQ is just simply above the normal person.
I should as a Schizophrenic not have such insight into my condition, making the situation much worse seeing that I am constantly aware of the suffering.